A story of unusual grief

Lynne Baab • Thursday September 24 2026

Helen’s mother died two years ago. In the three or four years before her death, Helen could tell that her mother was upset with her but couldn’t figure out why. Her mother wouldn’t talk about it. After her mother’s death, Helen wanted to have an in-depth conversation with her father about it. Before she could have that conversation, her father took his life, leaving Helen with even more questions.

Helen’s father was 89 and had multiple complicated health issues. His wife of 60 years was gone. In addition, two of his three close, life-long friends had recently passed. I can see why he would choose to take his life. I imagine he didn’t want to be a burden on his family in his loneliness and with his health issues. He might even have considered taking his life as a gift to his family. Helen was devastated by the two deaths so close together. She has a hard time seeing that her dad might have viewed taking his life as way to serve his family.

Helen’s situation is an example of two forms of complicated loss and grief, disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss. They are not the same, but have some overlaps. If you look online, you’ll see different twists to these forms of grief. I’ll take a stab at trying to explain them. Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not openly acknowledged, validated, or supported. Friends and family members gave Helen sympathy because her mother died. In Helen’s mind, the equally significant loss was her mother’s distancing herself from Helen.

Ambiguous loss usually refers to the loss of someone while they are still present, such as having a loved one with dementia. Helen lost her mother before her mother passed, so she experienced ambiguous loss for several years. Ambiguous loss can also refer to a lack of closure related to a loss. Helen feels a lack of closure about both of her parents’ deaths, her mother’s because of the estrangement, and her father’s because of the suicide. Helen also has a huge sense of failure about her father’s suicide. “I didn’t know my father was so sad. I should have known! Surely, I could have listened better! Surely I could have done something.”

How sad for Helen.

Here’s a helpful statement I found online: “While they often overlap, disenfranchised grief focuses on social permission to mourn, whereas ambiguous loss focuses on the lack of clarity or physical/psychological absence.”

Here are some examples of when disenfranchised grief may occur (from this website):

loss of a pet
after an extramarital affair
after the death of a former spouse or partner
after a miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth or neonatal birth
after a suicide
loss of a friend
grief related to addiction
after the death of a celebrity or public figure

I invite you to go back over that list a second time, using your imagination to try to identify how you think you might feel after some of those kinds of losses. Imagine what it would be like if you felt you couldn’t talk about the loss because it seems too weird or insignificant. Or if you tried to talk about one of those losses, but the listener blew it off.

The impact of disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss is multifaceted. Some of the key emotional responses include:

isolation
unresolved emotions
guilt and shame
invisibility
suppressed mourning
impact on self esteem

You might wonder if anticipatory grief (grieving ahead of time) is connected to ambiguous loss or disenfranchised grief. These three grief categories have overlaps and differences. Illustrating how blurry the boundaries are between these forms of grief, one website stated that anticipatory and disenfranchised grief are two different things, and another website listed anticipatory grief as one form of disenfranchised grief. I’m on board with that second opinion, and I experienced anticipatory grief as a form of ambiguous loss, too. When we are grieving something that hasn’t happened yet, we often feel we don’t have social permission to grieve (like disenfranchised grief). When we are experiencing anticipatory grief, it feels obscure and unclear like ambiguous loss.

The forms of grief and loss I’m describing today relate to health issues and physical death, but also to sadness about a relative’s addiction or a friend’s mental illness or their slowly increasing dementia. About 15 years ago, a friend “divorced” me, and I have been thinking about the loss of that relationship as I have been writing this post. We experience so many losses that are hard to talk about or that the people around us don’t see as significant in the way we do. I love the language for these forms of grief and loss. Let me repeat, using different words.

Disenfranchised grief is a response to loss that is not recognized or validated by society, social norms, or others around us.

Ambiguous loss is an unclear loss without closure.

Anticipatory grief is the emotional reaction to an expected future loss.

I titled this blog post "A story of unusual grief." And yet, maybe disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss are not actually unusual. I suspect many grievers keep quiet about some components of their grief because they worry about social acceptance. And perhaps many people who grieve feel lack of closure in some areas.

Creator God, you created our emotions along with everything else. We have to confess that sometimes our emotions are overwhelming, baffling, confusing, and unexpected. Holy Spirit, be our comforter. Jesus, Light of the World, shine your light into our hearts. Triune God, enfold us in your love.

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Next week: More about my grief journey. Illustration by Dave Baab: the Southern Alps of New Zealand.

A book of Dave’s watercolors is here. You can buy cards, T-shirts, bags and other items with Dave’s watercolors on them here.

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Lynne Baab