Try softer on the journey

Lynne Baab • Wednesday October 29 2025

“If trying harder doesn’t work, try softer.”
—Lily Tomlin

“Trying softer isn’t about knowing or doing the right thing; it’s about being gentle with ourselves in the face of pain that is keeping us stuck. Because no matter how hard we try, we can’t hate or shame ourselves into change. Only love can move us toward true growth. This is the love given to us by a gentle, kind, compassionate, good God — and the love we are invited to give ourselves too.”
—Aundi Kolber, Try Softer [1]

A part of my healing journey from binge eating (described in my new book) involved learning about the research on the impact of stigma in obesity. Feeling criticized and ostracized raises cortisol and other stress markers, which ultimately damage the body in numerous ways. In the case of obesity, in an ironic twist, stress hormones actually make gaining weight physiologically easier, quite apart from the stress eating that so many of us indulge in when we feel tense or anxious.

The stress caused by stigma can come from outside ourselves, perhaps when people tell us to try harder in the face of whatever obstacle we are dealing with. For many of us, however, the greatest source of negative messages comes from within, from all the inner voices shouting about how we should have done things differently or how we could have had more self-discipline, perseverance, or strength of character. We tell ourselves we should be trying harder.

Aundi Kolber’s words — “we can't hate or shame ourselves into change” — took me decades to learn, but I am now trying to lean into that reality. Well before I heard the words “try softer,” I began trying to draw on God’s love rather than self-criticism as a foundation for growth. In a Sojourners interview, Kolber recommends helpful books for learning to try softer, and her book list made me think about three ideas I’d been pondering long before I heard about her book.

Living as God’s Beloved. Whenever I teach about spiritual practices, I always stress God’s invitation to draw near because God already calls us “beloved.” We don’t pray, read the Bible, and engage in other spiritual practices because we can earn God’s love. I use a quotation from Henri Nouwen’s powerful book, The Life of the Beloved, where he says that when we hear that voice from God calling us beloved, we want to hear it more, because hearing that voice is like finding a well in the desert.

Self-compassion. The word “compassion” is used 15 times in the New Testament, attributed to Jesus several times, and commanded for Jesus’ followers in numerous letters. Dave and I chose Colossians 3:12-17 as our wedding scripture, and I still find the Apostle Paul’s words compelling. The paragraph begins: “As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience” (Colossians 3:12). If we are to clothe ourselves with compassion and kindness, wouldn’t that extend to the way we view our own weaknesses, struggles, and pain?

We have believed for too long that the way to strive for excellence and faithfulness is to criticize ourselves, while showing compassion to others. Note the inconsistency in that stance. And when we criticize ourselves a lot, we too easily slip into criticizing others.

Vulnerability. I’m so grateful that Brene Brown has brought vulnerability into view as a key component of supportive relationships. (She has a popular TED Talk and a book, plus spinoff books.) Christians affirm that relationships matter in many ways, and vulnerability is a crucial component of honest, supportive relationships. If we can view our own struggles, sorrows, and losses with some degree of self-compassion, we will be more likely to reveal the truth about our journey — or portions of it — to others. This can build intimacy and enable us to receive support.

If we live as God’s beloved, we will be less likely to engage in self-criticism and more likely to “try softer.” We will extend compassion to ourselves as we extend it to others. We will be vulnerable with others about weaknesses and pain, as well as about successes and strengths, so we can build intimacy and receive support. As Kolber writes, “Only love can move us toward true growth. This is the love given to us by a gentle, kind, compassionate, good God — and the love we are invited to give ourselves too.” I will add that the love we receive from kind friends and family members, our companions on this journey of life, helps immeasurably too.

Jesus, you give us the privilege and joy of your companionship on the journey. Help us hear your voice calling us Beloved. As we think of others with compassion, enable us to bring that same compassion into our thoughts about ourselves. And when we talk about our lives with our companions on the journey, help us be vulnerable at the right times.

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My new book, Almost Peaceful: My Journey of Healing from Binge Eating, is available in paperback and for Kindle.

Next week: The good versus the perfect on the journey. Illustration by Dave Baab: the pool where I swim in the summer. I’m in the deep end with the white visor. Our granddaughter is one of the three girls in the shallow end.

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[1] Aundi Kolber, Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move us out of Anxiety, Stress and Survival Mode – and into a Life of Connection and Joy,Tyndale Momentum, 2020, 194.

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