Lynne Baab

Draw near: Praying to be present when people change

Lynne Baab • Tuesday March 7 2023

The week before Valentine’s Day, a friend posted a quotation on Facebook. Since then I have returned over and over to this quotation, which is increasingly relevant as I get older, and as my family members and friends are aging, too:

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.”
—Heidi Priebe, Canadian author

I find it ironic that Priebe is the author of two books about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (one of my favorite topics that I wrote a book about). Many people view the MBTI as a way to pigeon-hole family members and friends into rigid categories. Yet in this quotation she is saying that people change dramatically, and if we want to love them, we travel with them through the different versions of who they are, honoring what emerges in them and through them.

(An aside: When I was doing training and consulting using the MBTI, one of my passions was exploring and describing how the MBTI helps us grow. I argue this typology is absolutely not a way of pigeon-holing people, but a way of describing human difference that can help us see pathways of growth over our lifespan. In my book, Personality Type in Congregations: How to Work with Others More Effectively, I tried to lay out some of those pathways of growth.)

I wrote and taught about the MBTI 20-25 years ago, and I have to confess in those years I was most focused on change as positive growth. Now that I have entered into my last third, or perhaps even my last quarter, of life, I see a lot of change in myself and my age mates that can only be described as decline. Alongside the decline, however, I see fascinating patterns of growth. Perhaps not the optimistic, upbeat forms of growth I expected two or three decades ago, but growth in depth of character and faith: trusting God in hard situations, experiencing peace in the midst of challenges, and the ability to be thankful while also grieving losses.

Two weeks ago I quoted Greek Orthodox Bishop John Zizioulas. “True personhood arises not from one’s individualistic isolation from others but from love and relationship with others, from communion.” [1] I summarized his perspective this way: relationship is so constitutive of personhood that relationship is not a part of being but is being itself. If he is right, then we need to consider and pray about what love looks like in many different stages of life as people change.

We need to ask for God’s help to let go of our pre-conceived notions of how our lives and the lives of those we love should look. We need to ask for the fruit of the Spirit as we accompany friends and family members through changes: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

I want to go back to the middle sentences of the quotation above from Heidi Priebe. I invite you to read these words again and identify which of these ideas you particularly need God’s help with as you interact with family members and friends:

“We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way.”

Now I encourage you to re-read those words and try to discern which areas you particularly need God’s help with as you look at your own life. Can you believe that Jesus is walking with you as you see areas of life where your spark appears to have burned out? Can you believe that the Holy Spirit is working inside you as you travel from one version of yourself to the next one, and as new aspects of your life emerge on the way?

May God guide you and me in how to pray about life changes in ourselves and others.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
   you discern my thoughts from far away.
You search out my path and my lying down,
   and are acquainted with all my ways.
—Psalm 139:1-3

(Next week: Asking God for maps. Illustration by Dave Baab: Seattle Art Museum cafe. If you’d like to receive an email when I post on this blog, sign up below under “subscribe.”)

Some of my writing on Myers-Briggs Type:

• My book: Personality Type in Congregations: How to Work with Others More Effectively
• An article: "Type and Burnout"

[1] Zizoulas, J. D. (2006). Communion and otherness. London: T&T Clark, 168.

Lynne M. Baab, Ph.D., is a teacher and writer. She has written numerous books, Bible study guides, and articles for magazines and journals. Lynne is passionate about prayer and other ways to draw near to God, and her writing conveys encouragement for readers to be their authentic selves before God. She encourages experimentation and lightness in Christians spiritual practices. Read more »

Lynne is pleased to announce the release of her book on grief and gratitude, designed to help people grieving from anything, including the pandemic, while also desiring to notice God's good gifts. Two Hands: Grief and Gratitude in the Christian Life is available in paperback, audiobook, and for kindle. Lynne's 2018 book is Nurturing Hope: Christian Pastoral Care for the Twenty-First Century, and her best-selling book is Sabbath-Keeping: Finding Freedom in the Rhythms of Rest (now available as an audiobook as well as paperback and kindle). You can see her many other book titles here, along with her Bible study guides.

Lynne recently spoke about empathy and also about bringing spiritual practices to life.

Lynne was interviewed recently for the podcast "As the Crow Flies". The first episode focuses on why listening matters and the second one on listening skills. 

Here are two talks Lynne gave on listening (recorded in audio form on YouTube): Listening for Mission and Ministry and Why Listening Matters for Mission and Ministry.

"Lynne's writing is beautiful. Her tone has such a note of hope and excitement about growth. It is gentle and affirming."
— a reader

"Dear Dr. Baab, You changed my life. It is only through God’s gift of the sabbath that I feel in my heart and soul that God loves me apart from anything I do."
— a reader of Sabbath Keeping