Friending
Real Relationships in a Virtual World
by
Lynne M. Baab
InterVarsity Press
ISBN-10: 0830834192, 160 pp., May 8, 2011
The notion of friendship is under broad review. A highly mobile and increasingly busy society—rootless, some might argue—means that most of our relationships can't depend solely on face-to-face contact to flourish. The increasing prominence of the virtual landscape—where the language of friendship has been co-opted to describe relationships ranging from intimate to meaningless—requires that we become fluent in ever-expanding relational technologies.
It's never been easy to be a friend, but it seems to be getting tougher by the nanosecond. In Friending, Lynne Baab collects the insights, hopes and regrets of people from across the spectrum of age and life circumstance and syncs them with the wisdom of the Bible.
Using Colossians 3 and 1 Corinthians 13 as touchpoints, Lynne shows us how we can celebrate and strengthen our relational ties while continuing to practice the timeless discipline of friending in our time.
Reviews
Sarah Sanderson
Thinking of giving up Facebook? What I learned from Friending
I’m about ten days into a Lenten fast from Facebook. I didn’t know if I’d be able to do it; I woke up on Ash Wednesday to several Facebook messages and wall posts that I needed to respond to. So I decided that for the next forty days, I’d use Facebook only to respond to people who’d specifically communicated with me, or to get in touch with people who I had to contact but whose phone or email information I did not have. more
Brad Smith
Insights from Scripture—and Stories
Those familiar with earlier books by Lynne Baab will be pleased but not surprised by this latest offering. It combines insights from the Scriptures and from secular academic sources, interspersed with lots of personal stories from her own life and that of her many friends.
Much of the material in the first five chapters on technology and friendship could not have been written twenty, ten or in some cases five years ago. Baab avoids one size fits all generalizations. No, Facebook and texting do not automatically lead to superficial relationships, but one needs to use them wisely. Yes, twenty-somethings are more likely to text than are seventy-year-olds, but there are many exceptions to the generational stereotypes.
Chapter 6, “Friendship With God,” and the last seven chapters on the nuts and bolts of friendship include examples from biblical times and on up to today. Baab includes such topics as Initiating, Listening, Praying, Forgiving, Being Together, and Being Apart.
Each chapter includes a series of thought-provoking questions that encourage personal or group study. Several ways to profit from this book immediately came to my mind while reading it.
The first chapters helped me, someone who learned to be a friend before the computer age, to understand the value of recent technology in strengthening or even forming healthy friendships. Those who never remember a time without e-mailing, texting, and Twitter would find the same material helpful in reflecting on the pros and cons of these technologies. Parents and children (or grandparents, too) could have fruitful conversations on these chapters.
The latter chapters serve as a springboard for those who want to think more deeply about friendship in their lives. For some, the material helps to clarify what went wrong in a friendship, or why their friendships don’t seem to last. Others will welcome ideas on how to reach beyond their current circle of friendships, and how to protect and nurture friendships. Those stressed with the felt obligation of keeping track of too many friends might be intrigued by Baab’s suggestion in the last chapter to consider befriending loneliness.
So pick up a copy, read it, ponder the questions, and perhaps get a few copies for your parents, your children, your friends, or your study group. —Brad Smith, associate pastor at Makiki Christian Church, Honolulu, Hawaii
Others Say
"Friendships require attention, time and initiative – qualities that seem to be in short supply, especially for those of us living in Western cultures. That is why I found Lynne Baab's book so helpful. As we've come to expect from Baab, there are thoughtful questions, fascinating research and excellent biblical analysis to guide us in our understanding. I found her discussion on the new wave of technology and how this impacts relationships quite illuminating."—Rebecca Manley Pippert, International speaker and author of A Heart For God
"Lynne Baab offers interesting reflection on the changing nature of friendship in a networked society, where relationships are increasingly cultivated and sustained through social media. Using engaging real-life examples she asks important questions about how friendships may be shaped in certain directions when mediated through technology and the potential spiritual consequences of these interactions. Importantly the book calls readers to personally consider the intentionality and motivations behind their own friendship practices to uncover what values they stem from and the social world they may cultivate."
—Heidi Campbell, Ph.D., author of Exploring Religious Community Online
"Friends are so important to me! But today there are more forces pushing us apart--as well as new media to bring us together--than ever before in history. Lynne Baab explores a world of options and encourages us to redevelop the art of friendship for a new era. This book is full of practical tools, winsome stories and keen insights. I'm hooked."
—Dr. Steve Hayner, president, Columbia Theological Seminary
“Challenging those who decry online communication as shallow and banal, Friending offers guidelines and multiple examples of the way close relationships can be maintained and deepened through Facebook and other Internet connections. Writing in the brisk style of digital messaging, Lynne Baab convincingly shows how the biblical virtues of caring, sharing, loving and forgiving can survive and thrive in a world where busyness and mobility have become the norm.”
—Em Griffin, Professor Emeritus, Wheaton College
"'I see friendships as a spiritual practice, a place where we live out the things we believe in.' I found this book gave me cause to think about how modern technology can influence friendships, both positively and negatively. I was surprised to see how many positive aspects there are to relationships sustained by e-mail, Facebook, and the like, and changed my mind accordingly. The thought-provoking questions at the end of every chapter are good to ponder individually or with a small group."
—Carol
"I appreciate Lynne Baab's approach to writing about friendship. She includes many personal stories from her own life and her friends and family, but then also adds in stories from the many people she interviewed for this book. Baab uses these stories along with the application of academic research and Scripture to provide lessons on friendship.
"I especially liked the way that she kept bringing the discussion back to 1 Corinthians 13 and Colossians 3. It is easy to only associate 1 Cor. 13 with weddings so it was good to remember that same concepts about love apply to friendship. How can I be a patient and kind friend, who doesn't get irritated or resentful and who doesn't insist on my own way? Baab provides helpful suggestions for answering this question."
—Lisa Jeremiah
"Baab's newest book creatively and thoughtfully explores what friendship looks like in the current online social networking age (with particular attention to Facebook). Responding to those critics who charge that online social networking will lead inevitably to the destruction of friendship, Baab demonstrates how online social networking, when used properly, can in fact help nurture standing friendships or grow new ones.
"Many of the critiques of online social networking, we learn, are not much unlike the critiques of the telephone a century ago. For Baab, online social networking may also help highlight truths about friendship. For example, Baab notes how social networking online has made 'friend' a verb. We 'friend' or 'defriend' people. The verb 'to friend,' she explains, helps illuminate how 'being a friend involves significant actions of caring and commitment. The adage "The only way to have a friend is to be a friend" is still profound and true. Learning how to be a friend and engaging consistently in actions that express friendship reflect the reality that friendship is more like a verb than a noun' (page 18)."
"'Friending' is thoughtful, nuanced, and easy to read. It would be an excellent resource for small group study (each chapter concludes with questions for discussion). I highly recommend this book.
—M. Easter
"'Friending' examines friend-making skills and techniques in the context of today's abundance of technology and in days gone by, before all the technology. Did you know there were techniques or did you think friendship just happened??? You may never have analyzed the processes you utilize when making friends, but you know only too well that sometimes 'friending' doesn't work out the way you had hoped. Once you've finished this book, you'll be more aware of what you are looking for in a friend ( recognize the people who speak your love language) and how some of your own tactics have inadvertently sabotaged your desires to make or keep a friend.
"Lynne's core summary says it all—the challenge is not to figure out who to friend, but to grow in your ability to act like a friend to those you really care about."
—Barb
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